NorthEastEnders

10:38am Saturday 6th September 2008

Comments (0)   Have your say »

They say that Newcastle United is a real-life soap opera and, after this week's events, BBC executives have hastily produced a pilot for a new programme entitled NorthEastEnders. Chief Sports Writer Scott Wilson got hold of a copy, and is confident it will be a sure-fire hit.

SCENE ONE:

THE credits disappear to reveal the front of Mike Cashley’s Car Lot, a second-hand dealership somewhere in North-East England. Forecourt manager Kevin Keenan is in the front of shot polishing some of his leading assets. Meanwhile, upstairs in the management offices, Dirty Den, Derek Hambias and Tony Himanes are discussing business.

Den: Cor blimey, come have a butcher’s at this Derek.

Derek: What’s that Den?

Den: It’s only Kev’s list of the motors he wants us to buy before the auction closes in a couple of days time innit. Bleeding nora.

He wants an expensive model from Germany, and three more top-notch motors as well. Don’t he know there’s a credit crunch on?

Tony: Mr Cashley’s not going to like this Den?

Watcha gonna do?

Den: Well, first up, I’m gonna go down the caff and get some jellied eels.

Then, I’m going to get on the old dog and bone to this Spanish geezer I know.

He’s got a couple of motors he’s gonna let me have nice and cheap. He’ll sell me one and lend me the other for 12 months. I’m not sure about their MOTs, but it sounds like a right result.

SCENE TWO:

KEVIN Keenan and his side-kick Terry Jack are in their bait room having their lunch.

Kev: I don’t like the way this is going Terry. I’ve spoke to Den and we’re not getting any of the models we wanted. I would have loved it if we’d got them – loved it. We’re getting two new-fangled Spanish motors instead, and I’ve never even heard of one of them before.

Terry: Yeah, it’s not great Kev. Still, at least we’re keeping everything that’s out there at the minute – that’s the most important thing isn’t it?

SCENE THREE:

BACK in the office, Dirty Den is still in talks with Derek and Tony. Suddenly, the atmosphere is one of panic.

Den: That was Mr Cashley on the phone boys, and it’s not good.

Tony: He hasn’t been drinking beer instead of shandy again has he? He knows it gives him a headache.

Den: Nah, it’s worse than that Tone. It’s the last day of the auction and he wants some of his stock moving on. It’s not going to be easy though cos half of them are ready for the scrapyard.

Derek: You’d better get on the old dog and bone again then Den.

Den: Tell me about it.

I’m gonna try that car dealer we know in Portsmouth first. Right diamond geezer, loves a bit of a deal. I’ve got something he might go for.

Hasn’t got a very good history and has been in a bit of bother with the police, but we’ll do it at a real knockdown price.

Tony: And how about hawking around our number one motor. Used to be a great little runner in its time. Not so reliable now admittedly, and tends to break down two or three times a year. But it’s got to be worth something to someone.

Den: Right, that’s sorted then. You two get on the blower – I’ve got some clothes to pick up from the launderette.

SCENE FOUR:

DEN, Derek and Tony are still in the office when a furious Kevin Keenan barges in.

Den (uneasily): Oh, hello Kev, fancy seeing you here.

I didn’t hear you coming up the old apple and pears.

Kev: What’s this I hear about you trying to get rid of a couple of my motors lads?

Derek: They’re not your motors Kev, they’re Mr Cashley’s. It’s about time you got that into your loaf of bread.

Kev: And what the hell am I meant to do with these Spanish motors? I told you I wanted cars that had driven on British roads before.

Den: Look Kev, I know you’ve worked at this car lot in the past, but things have changed. Mr Cashley’s seen how they run their forecourts in Spain and Italy – and he likes it. We don’t think you fit in here any more Kev. I think it’s time for you to leave.

Kev: Are you sacking me?

Alan Sugar (appearing from the right of screen): No Kev, but I am. Mr Cashley’s great friend, Paul Helmsley, has invited me on for a little cameo role. I’ve had Nick and Margaret watching you for the last eight weeks, and from what they tell me, it’s been a bloody disaster.

You’re not a salesman – you’re a bleeding joke.

Anyway, I’ve heard enough. Kev, you’re fired.

Just pop next door and see Adrian Chiles on your way out will you?

SCENE FIVE:

DEN, Derek and Tony are alone in their office again.

Outside, angry chanting can be heard and, every so often, something crashes against the window.

Tony: I think you’d better take a look at what’s going on in the square Den. I haven’t seen them this unhappy since Phil and Sharon split up.

Den: Love a duck Tone, what the hell do they want?

Derek: Well, judging by the banners Den, they want you and Mr Cashley to suffer a miserable end.

And I’m not talking a gun, some flowers and a canal.

Den: Cor blimey. I tell you what, let’s put out a statement saying that Kev wasn’t sacked. Say that he’s still in charge of the forecourt, and that he’ll be turning up to wash the cars as usual in the morning.

Tony: You’re a genius Den.

Den: I know. And to celebrate, let’s have a round of lager tops in the Vic, I mean the Strawberry.

SCENE SIX:

THE action switches to a hotel room in Manchester.

Kev is on one side of the table with a representative from the Forecourt Managers’ Association.

Den and Derek are on the other side of the table. Den is sitting on a cushion so his head can be seen.

Kev: I don’t care what you say Den, I know I was sacked, and I want £8m compensation.

Den: You’re having a larf ain’t you? You walked out on us Kev. You’re getting half a pony and a monkey, and that’s Mr Cashley’s final offer.

Kev: I don’t even know what that means Den.

Derek: Cor, just our luck to be dealing with northern monkeys ain’t it?

Let me spell it out Kev.

You’re getting sweet FA – and I’m not talking about their vacant chief executive role.

Kev: Well, I tell you what, I resign. But you haven’t heard the last of this. I’ll be talking to my lawyers.

Den: You do that Kev, but don’t think you’ll get one over on Mr Cashley.

He’s 100 per cent committed to this car lot.

(Whispering) Derek, get the phone number of some Arabian car dealers quick will you. I think I need to make a couple of calls.

SCENE SEVEN:

DEN, Derek and Tony are back in their office at the car lot. The demonstrations in the square continue, occasionally drowning out what the trio are saying.

Derek: What a bleeding mess Den. We’ve got customers who don’t want to buy cars off us, a car lot that hasn’t got enough cars on it to see us through the rest of the season, and no-one to look after the forecourt. We might as well be brown bread.

Den: Don’t you believe it Derek. I’ve come back from the dead once before – admittedly the ratings weren’t as great as we hoped they’d be – so I’m perfectly capable of doing so again. I’ve been speaking to Mr Cashley and we’ve come up with a cunning plan.

Tony: What is it Den?

Den: Now, listen carefully . . .

(DRUM ROLL)
TO BE CONTINUED